Can I Have That Naked? Please? (Burgers)

Nothing should be simplier than an old-fashioned burger but people make it complicated.  First, you can’t just order a burger, you have to pick what kind of burger.  Beef, buffalo, ostrich, and this is just the first choice.

I suggest you pick beef or sirloin, these are the best two choices according to me.  And it is all about me, isn’t it?

Bison/buffalo though is rather dry because of the low-fat content but it is edible.  I suggest, and I rarely suggest this, put something damp on it, like ketchup.   Ostrich?  We are nothing even going there.  And chicken is not a burger, it’s a sandwich.  Big difference.

Okay, you picked your meat.  Then, the bun comes along.  It’s not just a bun anymore.  It’s a setting.  Seeded, non-seeded, toasted, white, wheat, oversized, undersized…etc.   Whatever your bread choice, the resturant will proudly spew loving words about what they suggest on their menu.  Most of that is crap. 

About 40% of the calories in your burger are coming from the bun. Yes, the bun.  So, is the bread that exciting now?  Personally, I just take the bread off and eat the meat plain.  If you don’t want do that and look weird, may I suggest throwing away the bottom part of your bun.  Take the top part, cut it in half and use the halves to cuddle your meat. If you have to cuddle it.  Honestly, it’s fine naked.

You have your meat and your bun.

Now, you can pick from the 83 possible toppings.   Ranch, BBQ, Special Sauce, Chipolte Sauce, Italian Sauce etc…  Remember, whatever you dump on your burger will cover up the meat taste.   You are paying 15 bucks for this burger at a nice resturant, don’t waste the meat.    Meat good…mmm.

You picked your meat, your bun, your toppings.  But you aren’t done yet.

Now, pick your cheese.  I’m lactose intolerant myself but you get to choose cheddar, mozzerella (or however you spell it), hot pepper cheese, or from a list of a dozen other cheeses.

Then, when that’s done, you pick the sides.

By then you’ll be exhausted from your choice selections, I suggest you lay across the table and sleep while your burger cools.

The meat is the best meat available. It’s probably Grade A USDA Angus beef.  Might even be Kobe beef.  Why mess it up with a pound of toppings and a dozen seasonings. 

Just order the damn thing naked and enjoy it. 

Burgers made simple.

Published in: on May 7, 2009 at 5:26 am  Comments (1)  


Yes, I admit it.  I’m a ketchup snob.

First, good ketchup is the perfect vegetable.  I know it’s made from tomatoes and tomatoes are really fruits but if the American government says ketchup is a veggie for schools, that’s good enough for me. 

The first rule for ketchup is that it’s edible on almost any meat.  I like it on steak, burgers, overcooked porkchops (really, it moistens them), and even chicken fingers.  Don’t you dare dump it on lobster or crab legs though.  If it is a sea floor crap sucker, it’s not a ketchup food. 

However, not all ketchup is created equal.

You can tell good ketchup by the color.  Dark ketchup, the color of shady brick is nearly inedible.  It’s bitter, watery, and disgusting.  This is the ketchup of choice at Mexican resturants.  The salsa guys who sell them their condiments don’t understand ketchup.  I guess it’s not a big part of Tex-Mex cooking.

Like some Italian pizza sauces, Mexican ketchup is lacking sugar.  The acidity is foul to a junk food junkie like myself.  I like my ketchup sweet, my meat burnt, and no butter on anything.  Actually, the perfect food comes in a paper bag through a drive through window with small perfect plastic baggies of ketchup.  Sweet, sweet ketchup…mmm.  McDonald’s guy, I think I love you.

Good ketchup is bright and cheery, the color of a bright red Christmas stocking.  It’s a happy color for happy hungry people.

When traveling to resturants, if you aren’t sure of the ketchup content, put a bottle in your purse.  Be prepared.  Could that many boy scouts be wrong? 

If the resturant doesn’t serve ketchup, do you really think you should be eating there?


Published in: on May 7, 2009 at 5:11 am  Leave a Comment