Pizza, Home-made and Frozen

I like pizza.  Most people do.

But like any food, people can screw it up. 

First, anyone who tells you all pizza is the same is an idiot.  It varies greatly.   Some will tell you they like all brands of pizza, these people too are idiots. The world is full of idiots, you just get use to it.

Anyone who thinks a Totinos frozen pizzas are even close to real pizza goodness  must have lost his/her tastebuds in a tragic accident.  I feel sorry for them. Totinos are foul.  Edible under extreme duress only.  The good news about them is that they are a dollar.  Yep,  a dollar.  No one dollar pizza is wonderful.  The crust is flaky, almost like a flattened biscuit, the sauce is a bit sour, but the cheese is so-so.  If you cover it in your  own pepperoni and your own sauce, it gets a bit better but still not great.

DiGiorno’s frozen pizza is pretty good.  They have real honest to goodness cheese.  Now, I’m lactose intolerant so if I’m going to spend an hour bent over with cramps, I want it to be worth it.  They are worth it. The toppings are real meat and not plastic fakes.  The crust crisps up pretty well.  Its a nice frozen pizza.  As nice as a frozen pizza gets anyway.  Its like saying a girl is a real nice hooker.  You don’t know if its a compliment or not but it sounds pleasant.

Tony’s, Red Baron’s etc…fall some where between the two.  Not as gag inducing as Totinos but not as good as DiGiorno’s. 

One note of caution…never, ever eat a diet frozen microwave pizza (gagging).  These suck.  They really do.  I don’t care how much you lie to yourself, that is not good pizza.  It is not close to good pizza.  Pizza doesn’t microwave well.  People who eat everything out of the microwave might as well eat the cardboard box, it’d taste almost as good.

If you want low-fat pizza, make your own.  Lord knows there are a dozen ways to make it with less calories and more taste.

I told myself I wouldn’t do this.  I actually wrote myself a note.  No recipes in the blog.  No freakin’ recipes in the blog…but do I listen?  No, I never do.

The two easiest homemade low-fat pizzas to make are the BOBOLI LAZY PIZZA and the Tortilla pizza.

If you are like me, if you have to spend more than ten minutes cooking it then you’d rather eat potato chips out of the bag, this is the home-made pizza recipe for you.

Get a BOBOLI Pizza Crust, THIN VERSION.  These are pre-baked. Yes, a pre-baked pizza crust.  Genius.  They are usually in most groceries stores, hidden away.  If you have a Kroger’s, they are usually in the pizza sauce aisle next to the Tortilla/Salsa display.  I don’t know why; I don’t work in Kroger’s marketing department.  The exception is the Kroger on Mall Road in Florence, Ky.  They hide there crusts and don’t carry the thin version.  Silly bunnies.

Cut crust into 8 pieces.  Whole crust is 17 Weight Watcher’s Points.  And no, you shouldn’t eat the whole thing.

Buy the Kroger Pepperoni Pizza Sauce.  It’s cheap, it tastes good.  Its a bit on the sweet side as sauces go.  There are two main thoughts on pizza sauces, classic sour or new sweet.  I like sweet.  If you want sour, may I suggest a jaunt through Italy?  Tomato sauces need sugar to cut the acidity. A little sauce goes a long way.  For one WW point, you should more than enough to cover your pizza.

I buy the Hormel Turkey Pepperoni.  Okay, it isn’t as good as regular pepperoni.  I could blow smoke up your butt and tell you that it is but it isn’t.  But it is about 85% the same and hidden in the pizza toppings, I can live with that.  But for some reason, it smells a bit like  licorice when you open the bag.  I have no idea why.  The smell goes away when you cook it.  I use 18 pieces.  Two WW Points.

For the love of GOD, use real cheese.  Fat-free cheese sucks donkey toes.  Admit it, you’d rather have real cheese.  Some things aren’t worth skimping on such as a good divorce attorney.   All dairy products make me sick, but with pills I can tolerate small doses.  So, I use real cheese, about 1/4 cup.  I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but how much cheese do you need?   2 Points

Bake the whole think at 450 degrees.  It’s done in about 8 minutes so don’t dawdle.  Serves 8 slices at about 3 points per slice.  You can add veggies.  I don’t recommend it but you can.  People always try to sneak in the veggies.  It’s a sickness.

You can add two more points of extras if you want, more cheese, more pepperoni, even god-forsaken mushrooms.  The total pizza averages between 22 and 24 points on Weight Watchers.  You shouldn’t eat the whole thing.  I do but you shouldn’t.  Show some self-restraint (giggles at the thought).

The good things about this pizza is that the crust is pre-done so if you only want one piece of pizza, get out your scizzors, cut out a triangle of crust, make one slice, and eat.  The rest of the pizza dough circle can be taped shut and eaten later.  Don’t you love duct tape?

This pizza from start to finish takes like 8 minutes and that is if you take your time and make it pretty.  Use paper plates and you won’t have any dishes besides a spoon for the sauce and the pizza pan.  The pan isn’t even damp because you don’t need to spray it.  The crust is pre-done…no oil required.  I’m giddy at the thought.

Oh, I forgot the tortilla pizzas. First of all use flour tortillas.  Corn tortillas are not for pizza.  And if you even whisper wheat, I will hunt you down and force feed you cod liver oil.  Wheat pizza crust…oh my…all that fiber.  Makes me want to take a crap to think about it. 

Take your tortilla pizza crust, spritz it with 0 calorie oil spray.  Don’t have any, rub it with some butter, adds calories but you should have bought some 0 calorie spray.  The stuff never goes bad.  Its like sour candy, good forever.

Pop it in the oven, on 400 degrees.  Get it a litte brown.  Take out of the oven.  Use an oven glove, balled up t-shirt, old boxer shorts to protect your fingers.  I forgot to tell you earlier, the pan gets hot in the oven.  Be careful. Now, you’ll sue me for blistered fingers.  Save me from America.

Okay, now add sauce, turkey pepperoni, and cheese, pop back into the oven.  Don’t worry about the tortilla bubbling up or getting stiff, this is perfectly normal.  That sounded dirty. I didn’t mean for it to sound dirty.  Just ignore that.  But it is normal.  The crust browns and bakes super fast.  You are done in less that  7 minutes from start to finish.

Eat it. Its reasonable tasting, the calories are good.  Does it taste like Pizza Hut?  No, but it does the job.

Okay now I’ve got to make dinner.  Anything but pizza, I’m sick of talking about it.

Sometime in the future, we’ll talk about delivery pizza and how Pizza Hut ruined a sure thing.

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Published in: on August 20, 2008 at 12:10 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You never cease to make me laugh…God love ya!

    And the tortilla pizza is the best thing you have ever told me about!

  2. Tombstone Pizza is the worst. That’ll put you in the grave literally. Uucckkk!


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